June '05

6/26/05 ~ Well Sonofabitch !!!!

So I'm shocked out of my gourd when Dad and Stepmother tell me that they want to get me something for Fathers Day.  Their original idea was a Tahno cover for my truck (which I wasn't overly excited about) and then I suggested maybe an automatic start.  Well, a couple weeks ago I went golfing with my brother and cousin and started thinking that I would really like a set of my own golf clubs.  So I tell the 'rents that I am interested in some clubs and my stepmother tells me to take a look around and price some out and get back to her.

Off to the local sporting goods store.. Dick's it was.  Who in there right mind would name a sporting goods store Dick's?  They might as well have just gone all out and called it shafts and balls.  Anyway.. I price out some clubs, get back to the stepmother and this last Thur. while I was in town she dropped some cash on me for the gift.

Back to Dick's sporting goods I go.  I play it cool, no rush.. eventually swing over to the set of clubs I want to purchase.  The guy asks if I'd like to give any of the clubs a try so of course I give it a go, I mean what man doesn't like to stroke his balls with a stiff shaft in his hands.  A pop a few off and I'm sold.  "I'll take 'em.," and off the little man runs to the back of the store to get my clubs.  I head up to pay, grinning in anticipation with the thought of running right over to the driving range.  

I get to the driving range, unpack my clubs from the box, the smell of fresh paint still permeates from them.  The anticipation grows and my palms are getting sweaty, of course that could have had to do with the 90 degree weather and 80% humidity.  I pack the clubs in my golf bag, head inside and pay for my 40 min on the driving range.  I'm getting a wood thinking about grabbing my wood and slapping some balls around.  I pull the fat headed driver out, grip the shaft... and SONOFABITCH I feel like I just got a stiff Dick's in the ass with no Vaseline.  Those mothersonsacocksuckingbastards gave me a box of left handed clubs.  Now if I was at home looking at porn on the internet my left hand would do just fine, but I simply cant work with some left handed golf clubs.

My head hung low, I get a rain check for my driving range purchase.  Back to the sporting goods store I go to get a right handed set of clubs and SONOFABITCH another stiff Dick's in the ass.  The only set of right handed clubs they have left is the display model.  After a 5% discount offer I decide to go ahead and get the display set but the feeling is just not the same as I end up with a bag full of stiff shafts that a bunch of other men have had their hands all over.  *sigh*

Girls, to put this in perspective, just imagine going to by that first shiny new vibrator and finding out the display model is the only one they have left in the design you wanted.. oh and by the way every Tom, Dick, Hairy, Sheela, and Jane has handled it.

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