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12/19/05 ~ My head aches
Lots going on in my life/head right now.. too
much of it stuff I'm not ready to post about publicly and only discuss with a
few close friends. Have a headache right now and it actually hurts to
think about what I do want to post.. what I want to edit out.
Headaches and Heartaches are the theme of the
night.
I've started cross-posting to myspace since I
am too lazy to update this site to use PHP to allow comments.
11/30/05 ~ Indecision
My life seems wrought with indecision. I have
always been a fairly independent person, counting on myself to get things done
and accomplish goals, never taking the easy way. I graduated high school
in the top 10 in my class. I'm the only person in my family to graduate from
college and I completed 132 credit hours in 9 semesters graduating with a B.F.A
in Graphic Design and Ceramics. Within six months of graduating from
college I was working in the design field and my life seemed on track as I would
expect of myself. The last decisive thing I feel like I have done was
divorce my ex-wife which has probably led me to the indecision I wallow in now.
Obviously somewhere along the line I made a wrong choice and now I question
myself to the point of not being able to even commit to buying a new T.V.
without consulting someone.
My current indecision resolves around the path my life is on. I don't know
what or where I want to do or go. Some things about my job make me happy,
some make me want to quit. I would like to get back into Graphic Design
but I can't commit to changing the lifestyle my current job affords me to take a
step back financially. I even think that maybe I'd like to open a
restaurant but can not get past the risk involved in such a venture. One
thing that usually figures itself out for me is my relationships with women..
nine times out of ten I am on the decisive end of their stick and end up with
some temporary heartache.. but it always fades and I just learn more about what
I want out of the woman I am looking for.
Right now I really need to find that confidence
and drive that will allow me to be decisive again about the path my life takes
and stop waiting for it to find me. The question is, what when and where
to look.
11/17/05 ~ What to say
News is short these days.. just truckin' along
through the days.
Work has been busy, which is a nice escape from
dealing with how shitty the management has been over the years. Been
enjoying hanging out with some new people that have started working there
recently and getting to know them. I got a call the other day from a a
company that I applied at months and months ago to be a prepress technician
(hoping it would provide me a step back toward doing Graphic Design.) I
have yet to actually speak to someone but hopefully the opportunity pans out, of
course the money would have to be right because I'm not about taking a huge step
backward.
Miss my son a ton and looking forward to
Christmas getting here so I can see him again. Sorry nothing more
interesting right now but life is just happening and there isn't much to talk
about.. or that I feel like talking about.
I finally signed up over at MySpace after
enough people bugged me to. Check me
out and add me to your friends list if your a member.
11/06/05 ~ What happened to
October
Not a lot going on lately so I have not had
much to update with. The last 3 to 4 weeks have been pretty routine for
me, consisting of Monday Night Football with the guys eating hot wings and
drinking beer, and maybe one other night a week out at the bar. The new
shift I am on sucks the life out of me even more.. getting out at 8pm feels like
my whole day is wasted already.
I hit a new low of 204lbs which is the lowest I
have weighed in 7 years so I am excited about that, hopefully I will maintain
the momentum and keep going lower. That's now 25lbs I have lost since May.
This past Friday night Tommy and I went to play poker with some friends.
We both had the plan of playing slow and smart, but Tom jumped the gun and was
the first man out in the first game out of 15 players. I made it down to
the final two and had the low chip count but almost doubled up on two
consecutive hands and the chip leader offered to split the first and second
place winnings so I won $110 in that game. The second game consisted of 11
players and again Tom was out early but I was able to maintain my focus, even
after about seven beers, and managed to pull out a third place finish and win
back my buy in of $20 in the second game so it was a pretty good night all in
all.
If I am in the mood maybe I will update again
soon. Peace.
9/21/05 ~ Well it's not the
end of September
Life is not so doom and gloom as my last entry
might have lead you to believe. Though I do hate my job, my ex wife can
still manage to get under my skin, my son is out of state, and I am no longer
dating hot cop. Yeah ok so all of that is not the greatest news but I am
in good spirits none the less.
I've lost nearly 20lbs in the last 3 to 4
months with really no effort and I am excited about that. I've still
maintained a healthy intake of beer over that time period too so it is good to
know I can still allow myself to have fun and lose weight. The only thing
I can attribute the weight loss to is having finally being able to let go of a
lot of stress via having my son home for the summer and having an exciting
relationship with hot cop.. let's just hope the stress doesn't come back.
I also have been eating better, smaller portions, not stuffing myself, not
feeling like I need to eat all on my plate, and not eating out as much.. keeping
it a little more healthy.
I've been trying to keep busy now that my house
is empty aside from me again. My brother is back in the area for school
and I have been spending a lot of time hanging out with him and his
roommates. This past Monday I went to Tom's house for Monday Night
Football (his kids love me more than him) and had dinner, played cards and of
course watched the game. I also got to catch up a bit with Chris, an old acquaintance
from work, who is back in the area from Colorado and living with Tom...and
then...and then...and then... I also am back in touch with a couple old friends and that is
refreshing. I am talking with Keri again and rebuilding that friendship, and spoke
with another acquaintance that is living back in the area looking
forward to catching up with her as well.
Don't fear, my mental state is good, no
depression, just missing what could have been a great relationship that
hopefully will remain a great friendship.
9/4/05 ~ Wake me up when
September ends
That pretty much sums up how I feel about most
everything right now.
8/17/05 ~ In love
What can I say.. I fell. I spent another
great weekend with hot cop.. just every aspect of the weekend was incredible,
even just enjoying my time up north while she was at work was so much more
pleasurable knowing that I started my day with her and would end it with
her. I've had my share of woe is me moments over the past couple years,
trying to find the right girl and wondering when, if ever, it was going to
happen but the whole situation is worth it for the result I am experiencing
right now. She stands up to the standards I have set for what the next
woman in my life must have and I don't question one aspect of the way she
handles her life, nor the way she interacts with me. This is definitely
not a settle for second best situation.. after Stephanie I told myself that I am
not settling the next time around and the word settle doesn't even exist in the
world that this relationship exists in. Neither of us putting any
expectations on the other, if there is any flaw in our relationship it is that
we are both too intent on pleasing the other that it sometimes can lead to
indecision.. but that's a flaw I'll gladly accept.
8/9/05 ~ My Bitter Sweet
life
Last night consisted of me packing up Brennan's
suitcases, spending my last dinner of the summer with him, and the last night
that he will be able to insist on sleeping with me until late December. It
has been incredible having him every day this summer, planning out events
without concern for when I will be able to have him... but now all of that comes
to an end as the summer closes out and he has to head back to Iowa to go to
school. I'm crushed, but I obviously am more prepared for it than I was
when they first moved away, and I have something sweet waiting in the wings to
remove some of the bitterness.
On to the sweet.. I got to spend some time with
my woman again this past weekend and both of us moved to the meet the parents
stage and it went off without a hitch. It's fun constantly learning new
things about each other and those feelings of elation when we share more and
more to realize how much we see things the same way. Don't get me wrong,
there are a few things that we need to work on to be 100% compatible but the
good thing is that we both know this and that we both are willing to open our
comfort zones and work on these things together.
This summer has removed a lot of stress from my
life, and as a result I have started to loose the weight I had gained when I
found out Brennan was moving. I am down 10lbs in the last 3 months without
having changed anything about my diet or exercise habits.
8/1/05 ~ I put my pants on
one foot at a time
...but I get out of them a hell of a lot
quicker. Hot Cop's stay this weekend was great. Things could not
have gone better. We spent time Friday with Brennan, and went to see
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Saturday we went to Chuck E Cheese for
lunch and then he went to stay the night with his Grandparents. Saturday
night we went out to dinner and the bar with some friends and got along
tremendously.
I can't explain what it is about this girl but
everything just seems so perfect. I can not even envision ever having an
argument or disagreement about something with her. We seem to just have
the same general mindset on everything. Anyway, I could go on and on
about how great I find her but the people who do read my site would probably
wretch and never come back again.
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